


Two Pairs of Eyes (And None Of Them Were Looking Out For You)

by RageHappyThunder



Category: Rooster Teeth/Achievement Hunter RPF
Genre: Depression, Eating Disorders, M/M, Other, Self-Harm
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-11-08
Updated: 2013-11-08
Packaged: 2017-12-31 21:10:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,594
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1036438
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RageHappyThunder/pseuds/RageHappyThunder
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Ray is Self aware of his body, Joel and JJ seem none the wiser to it.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Two Pairs of Eyes (And None Of Them Were Looking Out For You)

_Ray stared at the mirror, the cool morning breeze flowing into the apartment through an open window. He was the only one awake at this hour because he couldn’t sleep. He could hear Joel and JJ stir in their shared bed but he ignored the signs of them waking up. He gingerly placed two fingers on the skin of his stomach and exposed the fat there._

_“Whatcha doin’ Ray?” JJ slurred as he turned to face Ray from the bed, he had half a pillow in his mouth and only one eye open._

_Something clicked in Ray’s brain as he started to scramble, he slid the closet door open, reached in and grabbed clothes at random._

_“What does it look like? I’m getting ready for work,” Ray shot back as JJ smiled and rolled over in bed so he was lying on his back._

_“Always so snappy.”_

_That was the beginning of the month._

 

Ray stared at his reflection in his computer screen. He mentally pointed to each flaw he saw staring back at him as his character died on the other side.

 

Joel knocked on the AH door, JJ right behind him as he asked across the empty office if Ray wanted to get some food.

Ray rejected them for the millionth time this month, asking for a doggy bag instead.

Explaining how he really needed to get this achievement, how he loved them both, how he’d see them at the end of the day.

Ray stared at his reflection and wondered what they saw in him.

He lifted up his shirt to expose the skin there, and looked at the fat only he could see. He also traced a thin pink line with his finger.

Ray didn’t look at himself in the mirror shirtless anymore. He was too scared of getting caught.

 

When work was over, Ray slunk away from his desk and saved all the work he did that day. “Hey, you alright buddy?” Geoff asked as he clasped his hand on Ray’s shoulder, making him jump.

“Yeah,” Ray said, shaking the sleepy fog from his brain, ‘Why?”

Geoff shrugged, “You’ve been really quiet, that’s all.”

“Yeah, If Joel has been doing something to piss you off I got your back,” Jack piped up as he shut down his computer, he made a fist and punched the palm of his other hand for emphasis.

Ray laughed a  crooked laugh, “No, it’s not Joel guys. Everything fine with both of them. Just tired I guess.”  
“Well, get a good night sleep then,” Geoff placed another hand on Ray’s shoulder and squeezed, “I pay you for comedy, not for your sleepy head to kick everyone’s ass at video games.”  
“Right boss.”

The car ride home consisted of JJ riding shotgun, due to Ray losing a coin toss, and Joel /singing/ to every song on the radio as loud as he could.

Ray looked at himself from the reflection of his window and hopped that a driver would smash into him.

 

This was routine, with very few variations. Soon it had been a few weeks before Ray’s lips have been acquainted with any food. Slowly, like everything, he withdrew himself from everyone around him, except when his capture was going for a let’s play.

Ray stared at himself from the mirror in the bathroom. He took his shirt off and looked at the pink scratch marks that lined his chest and shoulders.

He sighed as he dragged his nails across his skin, DNA being pulled as red marks became apparent on his skin.

It stung. Tears prickled the back of Ray’s eyes and it stung almost as much as his nails did.

He exhaled a breath he didn’t know that he was holding, his eyes closed as he thought about why, why the hell was he doping this?

But then his mind was willing to show him everything that was wrong with him like a war soldier reliving hell.

His fingers dug through skin like a bug dug through the ground.

Sometimes he didn’t bleed, sometimes the skin would instantly heal itself and leave back a hard patch of skin that looked like a burn you get when you rub yourself on a carpet. Sometimes his nails were jagged, and thin lines of blood would pool weakly on his stomach. It never lasted though, he never managed to cut his skin in a way the razor does but it hurts all the same.

There was a knock on the bathroom door and Ray’s expression of self pity quickly turned into horror when Joel and JJ peaked through the door.

_Why didn’t he lock it? Why were Joel and JJ home so early from their bar hopping?_

Ray jumped and tried to hide his body.

“Why are you home so early?” Ray exclaimed, voice betraying his sorrow.

“Bar hopping isn’t fun without you complaining,” Joel explained as he sucked in a breath of air “Let me see,” Joel’s eyes squinted to make sure he was seeing Ray clearly. Pink lines and weird marks covered his shoulders and stomach, Joel reached out to Ray but that only made him stumble backward towards the shower.

“No,” Ray said as he pushed his arms in front of him, trying to block Joel from getting any closer.

Joel opened the bathroom door wider and let JJ in, the other less caucasian hispanic gingerly approached Ray like he was a wounded wild animal and Ray hated every second of it.

“Ray,” he breathed out, “Me and Joel have been talking about you a lot. About how we miss having lunch with you. About how much we love you.” Ray whimpered, because this was not happening right now.

“Ray is this why you haven’t been eating lunch with us?” Joel said, words laced with powdered sugar and sadness.

“If you were unhappy babe, you should have just told us.” The back of Ray’s calves hit the bathtub walls and Ray though this would be a good time to sit down, he let out a sniffle as his face began to redden.

JJ knelt in front of Ray with a look of concern on his face, “Is it us?”  
“No, it’s not.” Ray’s bottom lip started to quiver and tears cascaded down his face slowly. JJ sat beside Ray, using the bathtub to lean his back on. Joel knelt in front of Ray and pressed their foreheads together.

“Then what is it?” Joel said, trying to be calm.  
“I-I d-don’t know-w,” Ray stuttered, but he did know that Joel was too close and JJ was to close and he needed air, because this is where the panic set in. The panic that he was going to lose the two most important people in his life because Ray didn’t love himself.

So he breathed in sharply and exhaled quickly after. The air seeming to be thin and Ray grabbed his head, threading fingers through his hair to try and calm himself down.

Joel, having dealt with panic attacks in the past, rubbed Ray’s back comfortingly. He grabbed Ray’s wrist gingerly and placed his arms above his head to open the younger’s airwaves.

“Don’t think about it. We don’t have to talk about it okay? We don’t have to talk about this right now.” Joel cooed, “We’re here for you Ray, and we love you so much.”

Eventually he caught his breath, the panic subsiding and Joel let go of Ray’s arms. He tucked the younger boy under his arms, and JJ kissed the trail of tears that stained Ray’s check. Occasionally Ray would remember that this was happening and his breath would hitch, only to be held tighter by Joel. He would kiss the top of Ray’s head and whisper sweetly that it was okay (when it really wasn’t), he told Ray not to think about it, to remember that both Joel and JJ were there for him. Ray’s breathing would even out and JJ looked at Joel, concerned swimming in his eyes, only to be met with Joel’s milk chocolate irises that seemed to be drowning  themselves. Both were lost, very lost at why Ray was doing this to himself.

But they loved him to much to let him suffer alone. Everyone gets sick from the flu, everyone has their down days, everyone feels worthless at one point in their lives.

Eventually Joel and JJ managed to coax Ray out of the bathroom and into bed where they could get a good night’s sleep and talk about this in the morning. Occasionally Ray’s breath would get caught in his throat but he did fall asleep, drained no doubt from having his secret found out.

 

Ray was curled up on Joel’s side, his hand was clasped against JJ’s who played with his hair while Ray slept.

 

Then Joel caught JJ’s eye, and they had no idea how to help Ray.

 

To worried to sleep, they talked to each other in hushed tones so Ray didn’t wake up.

They knew they couldn’t ‘fix Ray with love’ keep your fairytale bullshit to yourself thank you very much.

But they could help.

Do a better job at making sure Ray ate.

Get a therapist or a doctor he could talk to when he didn’t want to talk to either of them.

Just be supportive of him when he felt down.

But they would never ever leave him. They wouldn’t dare. Just because Ray got like this doesn’t mean he’s not the same person they fell in love with.

  
This was just a bump in the road.


End file.
